No matter what chaos surrounds you

Her blue eyes gleamed, her dimples were deep across her freckled cheeks, when she expressed: "Life just goes too fast!"  Those words came from the mouth of my 9-year old last week.  She may just be repeating something she's heard, but my momma heart thinks that it's starting to set in with her, that time does go by quickly.  And I was quick to remind her that's why we have to make every day count.

Some have wondered what has gone on here, and if you haven't, then by all means quit reading.  In last post you get a glimpse of the picture.  A headline would read something like, "Overachiever suffers injury on top of chronic illness," or maybe even "Superman found kryptonite." In short, Chad continues to be unable to move well.  To get from place to place, a wheelchair or crutches are used.  This of course limits his ability to do many daily tasks.  Multiple appointments with physicians and physical therapy, and we still wait to see what surgery he will need in the future.

Chad has lived with chronic illness for years and dealt with debilitating pain.  The pain that just shuts a body down and says "excuse me while I make you curl up into a ball and sleep, no matter what chaos surrounds you." The pain that keeps him from doing what he desires to do in life.  This winter was full of that pain.

This all sounds so gloomy and sad!  Why write about a not-quite-40 guy suffering?  Because of what was at the top.  The kids in our house have to see and deal with a lot.  They've learned so much about compassion and tolerance and patience.  But they are learning to make every day count. 
I pray daily that growing up in this family will profit them with a heart and mind for helping others.

Those kids aren't perfect like their mom (hahahahahahaha).  Their momma is having a harder time learning to make each day count while making the days full of mercy and grace.  Confession: about the girl's bedtime each night, when I have the time to think about all the responsibilities I have and how I'm going to get it all done...it can get pretty gloomy in my mind and heart.  The selfish thoughts of "I didn't sign up for all of this," and wanting to do MY things for me start playing in my head.  Reeling those thoughts back in, I remind myself of the promises that I've been given, and knowing the promises I made as a wife 18 years ago. I can look across the room at my Chad.  He didn't sign up for this.  If he had his way, he'd still be a fire station officer or fire chief somewhere.  He'd be shooting baskets with Seth, jumping on the trampoline with Sarah, and kicking soccer balls with Ella Grace.

There is a plan.  Hard days are extremely difficult to watch and not be able to do much to help.  Better days are still difficult to watch him go through.  Knowing the right amount of help to give or not give is a balancing act that can leave both of us ready to poke each other's eyes out.   But it all comes back down to making every day count.  And trying to do it with mercy and grace.  Because life does go by pretty fast.

And it ALL comes down to this: there's not a second of each day that I'm not in the mercy and grace of His mighty hands.

"There's no space that His love can't reach,
there's no place that we can't find peace,
there's no end to amazing grace...
I am holding on to you,
in the middle of the storm, I am holding on..."
~David Crowder

Numbers of an Overachiever

Day to day stuff is not what usually fills these pages.  However, today is different.

Just over a week ago (8 days, but who's really counting) my husband was injured.  Not a severe injury, but his knees gave way under him, he slipped on some ice, and injured not 1, but both knees.  He has always been an overachiever.  As is Texas weather...that day the weather dropped 50 degrees in 8 hours and brought 1/2 inch of ice.

Numbers since that day:
4 doctor's appointments(5th one today), 2 hours in the MRI, a total of just under 3 ounces of bloody fluid drained off of his 2 knees, not much sleep, trial and error to find a perfect combination of pain meds to help, 3 consults, 3 orthopedic docs, 2 super sore shoulders and elbows, 2 crutches that can't be used due to horrible joint inflammation, 2 bionic knee braces, a number of injections to prevent clotting.
The man never does anything 1/2-way. With his underlying chronic health issues, he continues to confuse doctors and their staff, just in a different specialty now. 

Telling all of this why?  Not for pity, sympathy, or any of that mess.  As my kids like to quote, "Ain't nobody got time fo' that." (Thanks, Sweet Brown)
No.  Because there is another list of numbers that are helping balance those others:
3 happy healthy kids that are growing in strength, determination, and reliance on God, 2 sweet longtime friends who filled our freezer with 4 meals, 1 aunt who provided 2 sweet treats for lunches and such, 1,000s of prayers lifted up on the overachiever's behalf, 24 bedtime talks with my kids sharing what's on their hearts, and the overwhelming reassurance that we have not been left to fend for ourselves.  God's got His eye on us.  And even though we were already feeling worn and exhausted from the storm of chronic illness, He added more to the storm.  But He's still here with us.

The near future holds many more lists of numbers, but I'm certain they will be on both sides of the storm.

And to keep it real, thank God for Spring Break and coffee.  And LaCroix sparkling water with coconut.  And Tiffany's chocolate cake.  And Phineas and Ferb.  And, Opening Day is less than a month away.

"Joy and pain, sun and rain, You never let go." ~ David Crowder Band

20 is a few. Really.

Is there ever really "good" grief?  We have all grown up reading it being said from the bald, round-headed, yellow-and-black-chevron-shirt-wearing Charlie Brown.  (and why doesn't he have any hair except the swirl in the front?  I've always wondered, but love him anyway)

In college, I took a course called "Death and Dying," thinking it'd provide valuable information that would be very useful in my career choice.  That has proved true, no doubt, and although the title of the course didn't seem fascinating, it was an amazing class.  We spent time learning all sorts of things, including the stages of grief.  

Fast forward a few years to today.   Remember, 20 is "a few".    Really.  

Now, in this very place I've written about how there are friends of mine that are walking roads of grief after the loss of a loved one that I cannot fathom.   That still holds very true.  However, dealing with grief not associated with physical death is very real.   No news to anyone, I realize.  

This week a dear friend and I were conversing.   She, much like Chad, suffers from physical pain and lives in a body that doesn't want to cooperate.   Growing up, she was a very gifted runner, and won many, many track medals.  Today, her body fights regular everyday movements with a vengeance.  She grieves. 

A few times over the last number of years(more in the last couple of weeks), Chad and I have had similar conversations.  The soccer star...the hard worker that would never quit a job until it was done to exceed expectations..the firefighter that actually did carry people---strangers--out of burning buildings and twisted car frames.  The man is still here with the desire to push himself, and he's trapped in a body that fights itself to even move(although the man can at times put up a fantastic front).  And his body is fighting against him more and more every day.

That makes him grieve.   

Me, too.

How do you put "good" and "grief" together?  Life's not really turning out the way I thought it would.  (but does anyone's, really?)

It is turning out how God sees fit.  To put the "good" and "grief" together, I will continue to trust that He's working things together for good like He's promised. (Romans 8:28) One day we will know.  

This has been on my mind a lot lately & without realizing it, these were two pics posted this week.  

Dressing in the firefighter's bunker gear, &

The soccer star.

This will be good grief.  But I'd rather just have the good, thank you.  ;)

When most of the laundry piles are clean

This up and down business in life is crazy.   Kind of like this winter weather that's grasped almost the entire nation. You know, where it's 70 and sunny one day and two days later there's ice all over the roads?   In life it's happy-hunky-dory-butterflies-and-rainbows one day and what's-the-deal-when-is-Jesus-coming-back the next.

Imagine this: you are 13, in a very defensive basketball game.  Your team is down by two and it's almost half.  You get the ball with 2 seconds left, you're at half-court.  You shoot and the ball goes in without a bobble on the rim.(click here to see it!)  At half time, your team is now ahead by one because of that shot.  A few games later, still on the high of the above mentioned shot, you miss an open lay up. 

This is a story of my boy, the ups and downs of a middle school basketball player.

As his momma, encouraging words flow pretty regularly.  The "Get back up and try again!" when things are not going right.  The "Atta' boy!" when things are going great.  My love for him never changes or falters or leaves. 

Somehow this was relevant and made a connection lately:

When the kids are happy and healthy,
When it's cloudy and cold and dreary,
When Chad can't get out of bed or off the couch,
When our family gets a night at home and has game & movie night,
When straight A's come home,
When there's the feeling I'm much more of a caregiver than a wife,
When our friends hurt at the diagnosis of a lifetime of struggles for their daughter,
When I see joy and elation in my son's eyes,
Or when I see frustration settling in,
Hearing giggles from my daughters,
Spending precious time and hundreds of dollars at the pharmacy,
When most of the laundry piles are clean...

I will praise. 
My hallelujahs may be broken or whole, but they will be there.
Because my God loves me.  He is there with love that will never change or falter or leave.
I'm not saying I never shake my fist at God, with questions of why He feels so far away or why my questions aren't answered the way I want them to be. 

"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love..."-Romans 8:38-39

 

"I've seen joy and I've seen pain
On my knees, I call Your name
Here's my broken hallelujah..." ~ the afters

 

My elf is more clever than your elf

I've got nothin'.

Sometimes it feels like we have nothing to give.  We've given it all.  We're maxed out and spent.  The checklist has been made and completed.  The volunteer opportunities, the meetings, the chauffeuring to multiple practices for multiple children at multiple times throughout the week, the full-time job.  And then the full-time job at home as well, including the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning again...you know the routine.

That feeling of "will I ever get anything completed?" is very familiar.  Always wondering if I'm giving enough of my time, energy, and thought into what needs to be accomplished.  Just as I budget my money, is my time and energy being spent in the most wise ways?

These are daily thoughts.

Now let's add some lights, baby Jesus, concerts, parties, and a creepy elf that moves around your house at night creating messes!

The most wonderful time of the year can lead to even more stress.  I realize this is no surprise to any of you.  As our lists of tasks get longer, it's easy to feel empty and spent. 

Somehow the perfect Christmas card, choosing the perfect gifts to give, the perfect-looking homemade treats for the neighbors, and the "my elf is more clever than your elf" use up our energies.

Now, I have nothing against those elves.  Let's just say I'm so glad we don't have one at our house.

In recent years, I've tried to step back and enjoy the season more than just all that needs to be accomplished.  Enjoying the time with my kids and making memories with them, as well as getting that list done and all the boxes checked.  Impressing on their hearts and minds that Christmas is so much more.  Much of this is done while we decorate, while we shop for the perfect gifts and wrap beautiful gifts, while we dream of what is under the tree, while we bake.

But what else?  Is that enough?
It is, because all He wants is my heart. 
Giving my heart daily to my Savior is the perfect gift to give, and accepting His gift of Jesus is the best one to receive.


"What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd I'd give Him a lamb.
If I were a wise man, I'd do my part.
But what can I give Him?  I'll give Him my heart."

The most unlike places using the most unlikely folks

Amazed how there are times God can bless us in the most unlikely places using the most unlikely folks. 

Tonight I walked wearily into the pharmacy to get a med and drop off some others to be filled.  Believe it or not, we spend a lot of time and money at the pharmacy.  The ups and downs and "chronic" part of chronic illness does that.  At checkout, "It says the pharmacist needs to speak with you...." was what I heard the pharm tech say.

Thinking to myself that this was a waste of his and my time, that this med has been in our house for 11 years now, and please, just let me get on with my evening errands, I saw a very experienced pharmacist come to the counter.  A sweet, gentle man that has helped me before.

He looks over the med, and says something about how he guesses we are pretty used to this and what a potent med it is.

"Yes sir, he's been on it 11 years."

He went over his list of side effects and precautions, and ended with "Eleven years?  Wow.  That's something."

"Yes, since he was 28..."  then I said something about how little did we know when we got married so long ago that his health would be so different at such a young age.

The man then went on to encourage me and then say that he was proud of me and proud of both of us as a couple.

I couldn't quit staring at the sweet man as my eyes filled with tears.  (Confession: I have cried at the pharmacy before, but just once, when I was exhausted and there was way too much red tape to get through when all I wanted to do was to be able to take care of my husband)  My Dad's words to his kids always included that he was proud of us.

The pharmacist then continued with some wise words regarding determination and character.  He started to punch the keyboard to finish up the transaction and for some reason I asked if he had known my dad.

A smile came across his face.  He had worked with my dad a number of times at the hospital...his words were "your dad was a real genuine man."  For the next minute we talked about how God's plans aren't what we want sometimes...that if we had our way Dad would still be here, even though we both know he's much better off where he is now.

Thankful for the meds that keep Chad alive.
Thankful for the legacy of faith my Dad left.
Thankful for the man God put in my path tonight to give me encouragement on a night when I truly needed it.
Romans 8:28  "And we know all things work together for good for those that love God..."
"Love ya, proud of ya!"--Dad

 

Charlie Brown teacher-speak

Comfy leather seat.  An issue of  "Real Simple."  Hazelnut coffee.  Uplifting music playing.  These are the things that make going to the orthodontist so pleasant.  For parents. While my growing-so-fast-I-can't-believe-it son is in the back getting a follow up-after braces check, I am enjoying part of what I pay for.  Since we've experienced the orthodontist environment over the last 18 months, I have since been encouraging any of my children to become one when they grow up and then of course use it to serve others.  (And take care of their momma.)

Suddenly someone was sitting by me.  I had to look up from the article I was reading on refrigerator organization.
"Seth's mom?"
Surely she was sitting down by the wrong parent.  There had to be another Seth somewhere around here!  This feeling was what I imagine it feels like when you're a kid and are called to the principal's office.

Once I admitted I belonged to that offspring, she began to tell me what every parent wants to hear...that he must have quit wearing his night retainers(he said he had outgrown them, which seemed completely legit?), his permanent retainer had broken (he may have mentioned that during his state baseball tourney---shoot!) and his teeth had done some major shifting.

What?  It's been just a few weeks since he "forgot" to take his retainers to camp and then quit wearing them. 

The sweet young thing sitting by me then went through some monetary figures and some options with me, but honestly, it was all Charlie Brown teacher-esque speak. 

I asked her to repeat herself.  at this point felt like a completely irresponsible mom, and that I have an irresponsible son(which is far from true). Then I told her to go ahead and take more impressions while I got to talk to the office staff about a "plan."  While making this plan with the office manager, a sweet, dear friend I've known for years came through and said hello...I honestly couldn't carry on a conversation at the time. 

Long story short...there's a plan and a lot more money involved so my son will sport a beautiful smile.  To make it all worthwhile I remind myself that before braces, he never smiled with teeth showing.  Now he does.  And all those other facts of why well-aligned teeth are worth it.

Sigh. I know things can be so much worse. This is definitely a first-world problem.

After a few days of thinking(& coming up with a heavier chore list for the boy), I was thinking how quickly things shift. How if I don't daily spend time in fellowship with my God, things get out of line pretty quickly. 

I'm not saying that if I check my box of "pray daily" life is all hunky-dory and looks like a perfect picture--all hardship gone. No. If I don't get that daily communication, that daily time with Him, things start getting harder. The tempter comes for a visit and makes my disciplines a little "grayer." It's not hard at all to tear myself down or think the worst. It's easier to let thoughts of anxiousness, negativity and desperation overwhelm my mind and life.

The daily relationship keeps my heart from getting out of line. The scripture, songs, promises He gently reminds me of, all together work to hold this heart and soul together.

Lesson and reminder gleaned from the oldest child's orthodontia:
1) wear your retainers
2) "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths STRAIGHT." Prov 3:5-6  

It's simple, but it keeps it real.