20 is a few. Really.

Is there ever really "good" grief?  We have all grown up reading it being said from the bald, round-headed, yellow-and-black-chevron-shirt-wearing Charlie Brown.  (and why doesn't he have any hair except the swirl in the front?  I've always wondered, but love him anyway)

In college, I took a course called "Death and Dying," thinking it'd provide valuable information that would be very useful in my career choice.  That has proved true, no doubt, and although the title of the course didn't seem fascinating, it was an amazing class.  We spent time learning all sorts of things, including the stages of grief.  

Fast forward a few years to today.   Remember, 20 is "a few".    Really.  

Now, in this very place I've written about how there are friends of mine that are walking roads of grief after the loss of a loved one that I cannot fathom.   That still holds very true.  However, dealing with grief not associated with physical death is very real.   No news to anyone, I realize.  

This week a dear friend and I were conversing.   She, much like Chad, suffers from physical pain and lives in a body that doesn't want to cooperate.   Growing up, she was a very gifted runner, and won many, many track medals.  Today, her body fights regular everyday movements with a vengeance.  She grieves. 

A few times over the last number of years(more in the last couple of weeks), Chad and I have had similar conversations.  The soccer star...the hard worker that would never quit a job until it was done to exceed expectations..the firefighter that actually did carry people---strangers--out of burning buildings and twisted car frames.  The man is still here with the desire to push himself, and he's trapped in a body that fights itself to even move(although the man can at times put up a fantastic front).  And his body is fighting against him more and more every day.

That makes him grieve.   

Me, too.

How do you put "good" and "grief" together?  Life's not really turning out the way I thought it would.  (but does anyone's, really?)

It is turning out how God sees fit.  To put the "good" and "grief" together, I will continue to trust that He's working things together for good like He's promised. (Romans 8:28) One day we will know.  

This has been on my mind a lot lately & without realizing it, these were two pics posted this week.  

Dressing in the firefighter's bunker gear, &

The soccer star.

This will be good grief.  But I'd rather just have the good, thank you.  ;)

When most of the laundry piles are clean

This up and down business in life is crazy.   Kind of like this winter weather that's grasped almost the entire nation. You know, where it's 70 and sunny one day and two days later there's ice all over the roads?   In life it's happy-hunky-dory-butterflies-and-rainbows one day and what's-the-deal-when-is-Jesus-coming-back the next.

Imagine this: you are 13, in a very defensive basketball game.  Your team is down by two and it's almost half.  You get the ball with 2 seconds left, you're at half-court.  You shoot and the ball goes in without a bobble on the rim.(click here to see it!)  At half time, your team is now ahead by one because of that shot.  A few games later, still on the high of the above mentioned shot, you miss an open lay up. 

This is a story of my boy, the ups and downs of a middle school basketball player.

As his momma, encouraging words flow pretty regularly.  The "Get back up and try again!" when things are not going right.  The "Atta' boy!" when things are going great.  My love for him never changes or falters or leaves. 

Somehow this was relevant and made a connection lately:

When the kids are happy and healthy,
When it's cloudy and cold and dreary,
When Chad can't get out of bed or off the couch,
When our family gets a night at home and has game & movie night,
When straight A's come home,
When there's the feeling I'm much more of a caregiver than a wife,
When our friends hurt at the diagnosis of a lifetime of struggles for their daughter,
When I see joy and elation in my son's eyes,
Or when I see frustration settling in,
Hearing giggles from my daughters,
Spending precious time and hundreds of dollars at the pharmacy,
When most of the laundry piles are clean...

I will praise. 
My hallelujahs may be broken or whole, but they will be there.
Because my God loves me.  He is there with love that will never change or falter or leave.
I'm not saying I never shake my fist at God, with questions of why He feels so far away or why my questions aren't answered the way I want them to be. 

"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love..."-Romans 8:38-39

 

"I've seen joy and I've seen pain
On my knees, I call Your name
Here's my broken hallelujah..." ~ the afters

 

My elf is more clever than your elf

I've got nothin'.

Sometimes it feels like we have nothing to give.  We've given it all.  We're maxed out and spent.  The checklist has been made and completed.  The volunteer opportunities, the meetings, the chauffeuring to multiple practices for multiple children at multiple times throughout the week, the full-time job.  And then the full-time job at home as well, including the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning again...you know the routine.

That feeling of "will I ever get anything completed?" is very familiar.  Always wondering if I'm giving enough of my time, energy, and thought into what needs to be accomplished.  Just as I budget my money, is my time and energy being spent in the most wise ways?

These are daily thoughts.

Now let's add some lights, baby Jesus, concerts, parties, and a creepy elf that moves around your house at night creating messes!

The most wonderful time of the year can lead to even more stress.  I realize this is no surprise to any of you.  As our lists of tasks get longer, it's easy to feel empty and spent. 

Somehow the perfect Christmas card, choosing the perfect gifts to give, the perfect-looking homemade treats for the neighbors, and the "my elf is more clever than your elf" use up our energies.

Now, I have nothing against those elves.  Let's just say I'm so glad we don't have one at our house.

In recent years, I've tried to step back and enjoy the season more than just all that needs to be accomplished.  Enjoying the time with my kids and making memories with them, as well as getting that list done and all the boxes checked.  Impressing on their hearts and minds that Christmas is so much more.  Much of this is done while we decorate, while we shop for the perfect gifts and wrap beautiful gifts, while we dream of what is under the tree, while we bake.

But what else?  Is that enough?
It is, because all He wants is my heart. 
Giving my heart daily to my Savior is the perfect gift to give, and accepting His gift of Jesus is the best one to receive.


"What can I give Him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd I'd give Him a lamb.
If I were a wise man, I'd do my part.
But what can I give Him?  I'll give Him my heart."

The most unlike places using the most unlikely folks

Amazed how there are times God can bless us in the most unlikely places using the most unlikely folks. 

Tonight I walked wearily into the pharmacy to get a med and drop off some others to be filled.  Believe it or not, we spend a lot of time and money at the pharmacy.  The ups and downs and "chronic" part of chronic illness does that.  At checkout, "It says the pharmacist needs to speak with you...." was what I heard the pharm tech say.

Thinking to myself that this was a waste of his and my time, that this med has been in our house for 11 years now, and please, just let me get on with my evening errands, I saw a very experienced pharmacist come to the counter.  A sweet, gentle man that has helped me before.

He looks over the med, and says something about how he guesses we are pretty used to this and what a potent med it is.

"Yes sir, he's been on it 11 years."

He went over his list of side effects and precautions, and ended with "Eleven years?  Wow.  That's something."

"Yes, since he was 28..."  then I said something about how little did we know when we got married so long ago that his health would be so different at such a young age.

The man then went on to encourage me and then say that he was proud of me and proud of both of us as a couple.

I couldn't quit staring at the sweet man as my eyes filled with tears.  (Confession: I have cried at the pharmacy before, but just once, when I was exhausted and there was way too much red tape to get through when all I wanted to do was to be able to take care of my husband)  My Dad's words to his kids always included that he was proud of us.

The pharmacist then continued with some wise words regarding determination and character.  He started to punch the keyboard to finish up the transaction and for some reason I asked if he had known my dad.

A smile came across his face.  He had worked with my dad a number of times at the hospital...his words were "your dad was a real genuine man."  For the next minute we talked about how God's plans aren't what we want sometimes...that if we had our way Dad would still be here, even though we both know he's much better off where he is now.

Thankful for the meds that keep Chad alive.
Thankful for the legacy of faith my Dad left.
Thankful for the man God put in my path tonight to give me encouragement on a night when I truly needed it.
Romans 8:28  "And we know all things work together for good for those that love God..."
"Love ya, proud of ya!"--Dad

 

Charlie Brown teacher-speak

Comfy leather seat.  An issue of  "Real Simple."  Hazelnut coffee.  Uplifting music playing.  These are the things that make going to the orthodontist so pleasant.  For parents. While my growing-so-fast-I-can't-believe-it son is in the back getting a follow up-after braces check, I am enjoying part of what I pay for.  Since we've experienced the orthodontist environment over the last 18 months, I have since been encouraging any of my children to become one when they grow up and then of course use it to serve others.  (And take care of their momma.)

Suddenly someone was sitting by me.  I had to look up from the article I was reading on refrigerator organization.
"Seth's mom?"
Surely she was sitting down by the wrong parent.  There had to be another Seth somewhere around here!  This feeling was what I imagine it feels like when you're a kid and are called to the principal's office.

Once I admitted I belonged to that offspring, she began to tell me what every parent wants to hear...that he must have quit wearing his night retainers(he said he had outgrown them, which seemed completely legit?), his permanent retainer had broken (he may have mentioned that during his state baseball tourney---shoot!) and his teeth had done some major shifting.

What?  It's been just a few weeks since he "forgot" to take his retainers to camp and then quit wearing them. 

The sweet young thing sitting by me then went through some monetary figures and some options with me, but honestly, it was all Charlie Brown teacher-esque speak. 

I asked her to repeat herself.  at this point felt like a completely irresponsible mom, and that I have an irresponsible son(which is far from true). Then I told her to go ahead and take more impressions while I got to talk to the office staff about a "plan."  While making this plan with the office manager, a sweet, dear friend I've known for years came through and said hello...I honestly couldn't carry on a conversation at the time. 

Long story short...there's a plan and a lot more money involved so my son will sport a beautiful smile.  To make it all worthwhile I remind myself that before braces, he never smiled with teeth showing.  Now he does.  And all those other facts of why well-aligned teeth are worth it.

Sigh. I know things can be so much worse. This is definitely a first-world problem.

After a few days of thinking(& coming up with a heavier chore list for the boy), I was thinking how quickly things shift. How if I don't daily spend time in fellowship with my God, things get out of line pretty quickly. 

I'm not saying that if I check my box of "pray daily" life is all hunky-dory and looks like a perfect picture--all hardship gone. No. If I don't get that daily communication, that daily time with Him, things start getting harder. The tempter comes for a visit and makes my disciplines a little "grayer." It's not hard at all to tear myself down or think the worst. It's easier to let thoughts of anxiousness, negativity and desperation overwhelm my mind and life.

The daily relationship keeps my heart from getting out of line. The scripture, songs, promises He gently reminds me of, all together work to hold this heart and soul together.

Lesson and reminder gleaned from the oldest child's orthodontia:
1) wear your retainers
2) "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths STRAIGHT." Prov 3:5-6  

It's simple, but it keeps it real.

Shabby (but chic, of course)

worn  

/wôrn/

Adjective Damaged and shabby as a result of much use. Very tired.

Synonyms worn-out - used - shabby - threadbare - well-worn Here are things that are worn at our house.  Perhaps you have some of these in your house. "Favorites" of the following: shoes, jeans, soccer balls, baseball gloves, games, playing cards, spatulas, cookie sheets, the carpet on the stairs, blankets-held-since-they-could-hold, the old coffee pot.  Not to forget: some tupperware, my favorite towel (only 17 years old...a wedding gift), socks, flip flops, my toothbrush. And let's please remember some of the people in this house are worn as well, if you go with the second definition.  Physically, emotionally, mentally worn.  Even on summer break...I look in the mirror and see a worn out person. Perhaps that's what comes to mind first when you hear the word.  Ready for a break.  Ready for some mercy.  For some relief or respite. When perhaps, God's mercy is being thrust upon us by the very life that's wearing us out? The following is a song that hits many people in many different areas of the heart.  Wherever you find yourself worn, I hope this reaches you there and lends a little of God's mercy, as a cold glass of sweet tea on a hot summer day or a cup of coffee on, well, any kind of day. http://youtu.be/J9UfRQUf64U

My one defense

A lot of life has happened. 

I could tell you of the end of school.  The crazy schedules, the activities, programs.  The amazing achievements my kids were recognized for in school, the goal Ella Grace made in her soccer tourney, and the solo Sarah sang beautifully at her school talent show.  The way moms juggle all of that busy-ness makes all of us eligible for "mom of the year" awards!

I could tell you of the Berg family vacation of the summer, full of fun memories with family in Minnesota.  Shopping, Legos, American Girl, food, baseball, theater, rest, cooler weather, amusement parks, and an amazing camp experience for Seth.  Everyone passed through the TSA without a pat-down, although we had to convince one worker that Seth was really 13.

Could tell you of church camp...amazing experiences for Seth and Sarah.  And Ella Grace got a week at home as an only child.  She tearfully cried out for her siblings every single day.  (haha)

One of the best parts of the summer, I could tell you about the amazing baseball we've seen this season.  Rangers, Twins'(Joe Mauer, ahem), and especially the team Seth has been a part of this season.  The team full of boys a year older than him...where he's learned so much...from skills to camaraderie to spending a little more time on the bench than he's used to, because the team is SO FULL of good players.  (and they are on their way to state!)  Great people and great coaches.

I could tell you of the health struggles Chad continues to deal with...adding  more and more to our every day normal.  I could tell you how his heart and head want so much for his body to act differently though it continues not listen and to fight itself.  The future of health care has already hit our pocketbook which has caused anxiety and concern.

I could tell you that even though it's been almost 5 years, there are days I still miss my Daddy so much it physically hurts.

Instead, I choose to tell you this:
Through all of these ups and downs and sideways, the constant provision and strength and peace and reason I can get up and go every day is because I know my Redeemer.  My God has been right here with me every single second of every bit of life, and He's promised to never leave.  No matter if I'm shuttling kids around, washing stinky camp laundry, or staying awake listening to my husband breathe at night, He's there.

"Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
"Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You"~ M.Maher